THE DEATH OF THINKING.

I HAVE BEEN TWISTING AND TURNING MY TIRED MUSCLES ON THIS ROCK HARD BED. 

SLEEP LINGERS AROUND MY EYELIDS BUT THOUGHTS OF THE WORLD RIDE ON MY MIND.

WHENEVER I PUT MY FINGERS TO THE KEYBOARDS, THE WORDS DISAPPEAR

but when I lay down to close my eyes, it all fucking comes at once. 

OVERTHINKING AGAIN, SPILLING NOTHING BUT CLUTTERS ON MY BLANK SCREEN

AHH SHIT I WILL JUST GET TO THE POINT.

Everyday as I grow older, my small talk skills slowly disintegrate into the background.

THINK JOY, THINK, WHAT DO NORMAL PEOPLE TALK ABOUT?

Ask her about her family and what area she lives in.

OKAY YEAH, NOD YOUR HEAD.

Oh awwh, that's nice.

SMILE, SHIT NO DONT SMILE, THAT’S NOT FUNNY.

OKAY, NOW YOU SAY SOMETHING, LOOK INTERESTED. 
No, don't say that, she will think you are judging her!
OHMYGOSH YOU ARE SUCH A PRUDE! She says..

But why does the world not know about breast ironing?

Are single black women in movies like Karate kids stereotypes or representations of realities?

Why is an aunty twerking on twitter?

HOW DO WE STOP FEMALE GENITAL MUTILATION?

Why did I never see jungle book as a child?

Will I ever be ready for a relationship?

DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISIONS?

AM I MAKING THE RIGHT DECISIONS?

FUCK OKAY DON’T PANIC.

THINK JOY THINK.

Or maybe stop overthinking.

BUT ARE WE BEING DESENSITISED FROM HARD NEWS?

Is it ethnocentric to think girls getting an early curfew than guys in some countries is not right?

Is freedom a western ideology?

Is that why we are still enslaved?

ARE WE REALLY IN A REVOLUTIONARY SOCIETY?

THINK JOY, THINK.

A decent grade student.

Life is hard, no one comes out of it alive.

You have family members who love you.

You have family members who do not know of your existence.

You have friends that make you laugh.

You have foes that make you laugh.

You have people who respect and value you.

You go to socials, parties, church services, debate nights, clubs, pubs and charity shops.

You meet new people, try to reconnect with the old ones in your life. Your days are getting longer and your responsibilities larger. 

You learn, you unlearn, you work, you spend, you eat, you sleep, you love, you laugh, you cry, you hurt, you heal, you let go. 

You are able to see black, white and everything else in-between.

Gradually your concept of life starts to change. 

You laugh a little less and you cry a little more. 

You are unable to tear the grey lines away from the black nor from the White.

You start questioning every decision you have ever made.

You start to wonder if you were ever happy or when you will be.

You stop being comfortable with your ideals.

You stay up till 5am in the morning, sometimes till 7 or 8 if your mind wants to run a little longer than usual.

You start thinking about your past, the history of how we all got here and what the future may look like.

Sometimes the burden gets a little heavy on your shoulder.

You scroll through your contact list and do the monthly cry on the phone to a friend routine.

Other times you try your phone a friend option and no one picks up so you sink even further in your ocean of self doubts and anxiety.

You start to realise that no one will be able to drag you away from your self doubts if you are not ready. So you wallow a little bit more in it or end the party and get yourself together.

Sister, brother, mother, father, aunty, uncle, wife, husband, spinster, bachelor, boyfriend, girlfriend, student, employee, employer, teacher, preacher, vegan, vegetarian, heterosexual, homosexual, transgender, biromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, asexual, straight, gay, bisexual, feminine, masculine, lover, fighter, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Jewish, pagan, atheist, agnostic, labels upon labels. 

You are asked to identify with one or the other.
Each tag puts you further into categories of structures and systems. Each decision you make is constantly being criticised by the people you know and by the people you don't know.
So close your eyes, you take a deep breath, you count to ten and you live.